It all started when I lost my Pants

poetry, musing, short stories and generally the inner workings of the brain of a 30-something year old woman who is a little nutty, a little sane, a little loud and just a little shy.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Another rampage

Maybe it is the season, maybe it is the amount of different thing I am trying to work through at the same time, maybe it is hormonal - who knows. But I am in a mood of contemplation lately, of exploration, of weeding out the crap that is of no good and getting to the meat of the matters. I think I will blame it on New Years Resolution Syndrome, or perhaps just a passing moment of fancy.

I would like to think of myself as someone who is creative, intelligent, and even, god forbid, interesting. So why is it that I seem to fall into situations that are basic and mundane? I can only surmise it is because I let it happen that way. To shed a little light, I have been working part time (after, of course, telling myself that I was going to take the year off to dig into school and really have time to study - which in afterthought I should be doing, since I have the schoolwork to get done) at a crap little job, doing things that, really, I can not stand, getting paid no-where near enough money to justify doing the crap that I am supposed to in the first place. I think it has been neatly sucking out my soul. I have come to the conclusion that I really can't be bothered with such an activity - the job that is - not the soul sucking - which is not a good habit to get into either, but in any case, it is the job that I am talking about now. So what keeps me from going in telling them to, in effect, take their job and shove it? The little voice in my head that says that I would be a quitter, the perfectionist in me that says that I could fix it, the mother in me that says that a little extra cash is not a bad thing. Though, when all is said and done, I am really tired of doing homework at 2 in the morning, so I am going to have to go back to my original plan. Which would be, of course, why I had that one in the first place - because it is the better plan. Let someone else be Superwoman.

That isn't all. Oh if that were my only concern. We don't even want to get started about the concept of romance. The wonderful world of being crazy about one who doesn't know you exist, is in love with someone else, while fending off the one who adores you whom you love - as a friend, while somebody else loves them while, while, while, while, while ... and it goes on and on. Sometimes I get the feeling that they are on to some kind of idea when they arrange your marriages at birth. Then the idea of being pawned off to some bucktoothed boring man with the intelligence of carrots because his father has a good load of cattle and fertile land rather throws me off, so perhaps that is not the best way to go about things either. Sometimes I think if I looked like Barbie, though I am told that if she were real her back would snap under the pressure and her legs would be impossibly long, besides being made out of plastic would get to be a pain after a while I am sure, not to mention having to walk on my damn toes all the time. Perhaps not. Thankfully I have left the phase of life where I feel like I have to be in relationship to be a happy human. I have found great security and joy in being my own person, in just being thrilled in my own skin. Though there are times when it would be nice to have someone to kiss at the end of the day and ask about how it went. Again, I am blaming New Years, or perhaps other circumstance, nah, I will keep it at New Years.

My daughter is making me crazy. I love her, she is wonderful. Oh to be 14 again. But there are days - like this one - where I just want to string her up by her toes and smack some sense into her. **just let me say this is a figure of speech and I would in no way string her up to slap her. The girl is bigger than me, and I don't think I have that much twine, and besides, she would wiggle far too much, and that would be abusive. For all you out there who may think that this is literal. It isn't. And besides, wet noodles are far more fun and don't sting as much** I won't get into how I came to this craziness with her at this point, just suffice to say it is all part of the teenage angst and fervor and leave it at that.

Have been listening to a lot of soulful music as of late, things made by friends - having been a musician for a while I am thankful to have some of their stuff kicking around. In addition I have been glazing over to a bit of Janis Joplin - always good for a heart wrenching primal scream or two, Loreena McKennitt - just because she always comes into what I am listening to at the moment, Jon Mayer - of the acoustic recordings, not the mainstream crap he has put out, I am a bit of a sucker for raw music which hasn't gone through the polishing stage yet I think. I adore the process of creating, the guts of the idea, the way it is before glitz and glamour turn it into something it was never meant to be. Honest. I am just in that frame of mind, where I am tired of all the fabricated bullshit that makes people do things, myself included, that are not of the truth, the from-the-guts-honest-reaction that should be prevalent, but from the sifted through, made to order, must look good and make everyone happy bull that emanates so freely from reality. I prefer the bones.

Or maybe I am just in need of a cold beer and a New Years hat. Yay 2006!

Sunday, December 25, 2005


Well here it is. The day of Santa, presents, chocolate, toys, wine, rum, wrapping paper, hopped up little ones on a sugar buzz that will last till the next year, and oh yes - Jesus' birthday. A little cynical? Perhaps. Christmas is a time of joy and togetherness. A time of family and traditions... For some. For others, it is a time of bad memories, lack of family fuzziness and just a reason to dip into the egg nog while checking the stuffing for anything that may be a little bit better left to being rolled up and smoked. Why is it that as a society we are encouraged to believe the Hollywood ideal? Is the big family gathering the norm? Or are we collectively in denial to be able to live up to the expectation of the extreme?

I, for one, adore the turkey, the presents, the picking things out that have little meanings and inside jokes for people you think of on a regular basis and not just when protocol deems it needed. I love the feel of the church on the Eve of Christ's birth. I do I really do. In the same breath I have to say I hate the fabricated bullshit that surrounds people in the holiday season. The niceties that come out this time of year that wouldn't be thought of at all in say February or June. I mean the gushing smiles and the "How the heck are you?"'s when they don't want to stick around for a real answer.

Maybe I am just jaded. Maybe I have spent too many Christmas' past living a different reality than the painted on smiles of the Cleaver family. Perhaps somewhere under this I am still waiting for the Grinch's heart to grow three sizes and to gather round the tree and sing with the Whos.

Whatever your case may be, I still wish you wholeheartedly "Merry Christmas!"

Perhaps I am not so jaded after all.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Carl's Song

Carl’s Song (capo to 2nd fret)

G (A)
How can this be
D (E) D7 (E7)D (E)
Across the empty sea
C/G (D) G (A)
That keeps you from my side

G (A)
I can’t explain
D (E) D7 (E7) D (E)
The pleasure and the pain
C/G (D) G (A)
That keeps me on this ride

D D7 D D7 (E E7 E E7)
I see you here
C/G (D) Csus C/G
See you so very clear
G (A)
Your name on my lips
G (A)
Words stuck in a kiss
D (E) D7 D D7 (E7 E E7)
Your body close to mine
C/G Csus C/G (D)
To love you all the time
G (A)
To have you next to me in this our extacy

G (A)
I wanna hold you
D (E) D7 D D7 (E7 E E7)
Wanna feel your touch
C/G (D) G (A)
Wanna give my love to you
G (A)
I wanna know you
D (E) D7 D D7 (E7 E E7)
From the inside out
C/G (D) G (A)
Have you know my words are true


D (E)
Do you see it too?
C/G (D)
Could it be true
D (E)
Across this open space
C/G (D)
To feel our warm embrace

I wanna be there
D (E) D7 D D7 (E7 E E7)
When your days are bad
C/G (D) Csus C/G G (A)
And you need some comforting
I wanna be there
D (E) D7 D D7 (E7 E E7)
When you’re feeling oh so glad
C/G (D) G (A)
And together we will sing

A song about a boy - well obviously - who was lovely and sweet and loved me dearly, but alas was too far away. Last years story.

While you sleep

The only thing I ever want to steal from you are kisses while you sleep quiet on my pillow in the wake of the love we made the night before
I adore – the sound of your breath as it hits my cheek while we sleep the lines of our bodies silent sleeping, must be dreaming and if I am please don’t wake me

I just wanna be the one you call when you can’t see the light from all the sorrow mmmmm you know
I want you to know I wanna hold your hand as we grow walk the paths that life will throw our way
Just want to love you

Can’t tear myself away from the arms that keep me safe hide me from the pains that creep inside the everyday
You have a way – of making me want more, I adore the music of your smile as you look at me while our hands entwine feel so fine, I am at home.

Written this year. A few gems I found after I got ahold of my old computer's space. Glad to have come accross them. I will put a few up in the next couple of days.

Kiss Your Mouth

Kiss your Mouth (key of G)

We can keep on talking it over baby
Turn it all inside out examine us to death
But I tell you honey I am too tired of talking
I’ve got better things to do with my breath

Like kiss your mouth,
Breathe my love into you
Tell you all I’m gonna do with you
Caress your skin
Hot breath all over you
I wanna take a break from all this talking and kiss your mouth

I know baby there’s a lot to say
We can hash it all out some other day
You know that I love you baby, there’s not much else to say
So come on over here and love me I wanna


Come hold me baby, there’s so much my body’s telling you
Take some time and listen cause you know that what I’m sayin is the truth
I only want to be with you


Now what was that you were sayin darling
It doesn’t seem so tough in the morning
Sometimes we have to just have to stop the talking
And get back to the lovin, right back to where we started from

Oh I wanna just


A song a wrote earlier in the year. Catchy - non? Well, I suppose it would help if you could hear the tune. But trust me, it is not too shabby. I will try to post the musical sid eof things soon. Still figuring out how to work this all.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

When all was coming up daisies

Some unmistakable sense of wrong
It's been around for far too long
And I know it
I heard the message
It ran clear through
I didn't want to hear it from you
And I know it

Been a pauper for many a time
The wind howls and blows
It hears my rhyme
A step into a moment of time
When all was coming up daisies

The paper beds words he don't understand
Pushing forward independent of hand
Alluding to times once merry and grand
I still remember

Been a queen to the highest Tsar
Traveled worlds boths near and far
Stepped up from the strongest jar
When all was coming up daisies

The moon it sinks, heart red as blood
Awaiting yet another flood
No need to push the earth and mud
To keep the flames a'simmer

Cause and effect the times they change
Till one day, I'll hear your name
And think of all the little games
When all was coming up daisies

Little ditty that popped into my head this morning. Just releasing some stuff. Well, that and I was listening to Bob Dylan all morning. Gotta love his sense of flaire, it always inspires me to write funky stuff like this one.

Thursday, December 01, 2005


It would seem that things are going very well in life right now. It would seem. I have just signed all the papers to start the schooling I have been wanting to take for years, I am living back in a small town, I am surrounded by good friends, I have great kids, the ground is covered in snow - which I love, I am involved in the theatre, which I am thrilled about, I am dreaming big dreams, and having big ideas.... What is wrong?

There is an underlying string of "something's just not right". It is a familiar feeling, it is a place I have been before. I know that it is going to pass as easily as it arrived. Why is it that, as a general rule, we humans are not satisfied with what we have?

I like to think that if we were ever truly satisfied, we wouldn't have new technology, new invention, art, prose, science, and the wonder of creation. If we were always satisfied with the things we have, there would be no need or want even for something better, something new, something that would take our breath away. Why settle for mundane when there is room for greatness? Or at the very least pretty fricken fantastic.

I don't want to be the sum of my parts, rather I want to strive for the potential of my ideas. How different would the world be if we taught each other to not settle, to not "just be happy with what you've got"? How different would things be if we all strived to use more than the small percentage of our brain we usually get by on? To coin a phrase - do we want to be the kind of people that only do the bare minimum?

How easy it is to just settle into a groove, to find a niche and live there happily and content. Is that really the answer? To be happy in our niche? To settle into our groove? To allow the cares of the world to wash away and just exist? Are they the people that have the answers? Or is it rather to search always? To be constantly learning? To always ask why? How? Who? What? To never settle for the first presented, but to know the variety of paths and choose not the easy road, but the road of our personal truth. I choose the latter. It may not be the road most traveled, but it is the one that I can live with.

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