It all started when I lost my Pants

poetry, musing, short stories and generally the inner workings of the brain of a 30-something year old woman who is a little nutty, a little sane, a little loud and just a little shy.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Another rampage

Maybe it is the season, maybe it is the amount of different thing I am trying to work through at the same time, maybe it is hormonal - who knows. But I am in a mood of contemplation lately, of exploration, of weeding out the crap that is of no good and getting to the meat of the matters. I think I will blame it on New Years Resolution Syndrome, or perhaps just a passing moment of fancy.

I would like to think of myself as someone who is creative, intelligent, and even, god forbid, interesting. So why is it that I seem to fall into situations that are basic and mundane? I can only surmise it is because I let it happen that way. To shed a little light, I have been working part time (after, of course, telling myself that I was going to take the year off to dig into school and really have time to study - which in afterthought I should be doing, since I have the schoolwork to get done) at a crap little job, doing things that, really, I can not stand, getting paid no-where near enough money to justify doing the crap that I am supposed to in the first place. I think it has been neatly sucking out my soul. I have come to the conclusion that I really can't be bothered with such an activity - the job that is - not the soul sucking - which is not a good habit to get into either, but in any case, it is the job that I am talking about now. So what keeps me from going in telling them to, in effect, take their job and shove it? The little voice in my head that says that I would be a quitter, the perfectionist in me that says that I could fix it, the mother in me that says that a little extra cash is not a bad thing. Though, when all is said and done, I am really tired of doing homework at 2 in the morning, so I am going to have to go back to my original plan. Which would be, of course, why I had that one in the first place - because it is the better plan. Let someone else be Superwoman.

That isn't all. Oh if that were my only concern. We don't even want to get started about the concept of romance. The wonderful world of being crazy about one who doesn't know you exist, is in love with someone else, while fending off the one who adores you whom you love - as a friend, while somebody else loves them while, while, while, while, while ... and it goes on and on. Sometimes I get the feeling that they are on to some kind of idea when they arrange your marriages at birth. Then the idea of being pawned off to some bucktoothed boring man with the intelligence of carrots because his father has a good load of cattle and fertile land rather throws me off, so perhaps that is not the best way to go about things either. Sometimes I think if I looked like Barbie, though I am told that if she were real her back would snap under the pressure and her legs would be impossibly long, besides being made out of plastic would get to be a pain after a while I am sure, not to mention having to walk on my damn toes all the time. Perhaps not. Thankfully I have left the phase of life where I feel like I have to be in relationship to be a happy human. I have found great security and joy in being my own person, in just being thrilled in my own skin. Though there are times when it would be nice to have someone to kiss at the end of the day and ask about how it went. Again, I am blaming New Years, or perhaps other circumstance, nah, I will keep it at New Years.

My daughter is making me crazy. I love her, she is wonderful. Oh to be 14 again. But there are days - like this one - where I just want to string her up by her toes and smack some sense into her. **just let me say this is a figure of speech and I would in no way string her up to slap her. The girl is bigger than me, and I don't think I have that much twine, and besides, she would wiggle far too much, and that would be abusive. For all you out there who may think that this is literal. It isn't. And besides, wet noodles are far more fun and don't sting as much** I won't get into how I came to this craziness with her at this point, just suffice to say it is all part of the teenage angst and fervor and leave it at that.

Have been listening to a lot of soulful music as of late, things made by friends - having been a musician for a while I am thankful to have some of their stuff kicking around. In addition I have been glazing over to a bit of Janis Joplin - always good for a heart wrenching primal scream or two, Loreena McKennitt - just because she always comes into what I am listening to at the moment, Jon Mayer - of the acoustic recordings, not the mainstream crap he has put out, I am a bit of a sucker for raw music which hasn't gone through the polishing stage yet I think. I adore the process of creating, the guts of the idea, the way it is before glitz and glamour turn it into something it was never meant to be. Honest. I am just in that frame of mind, where I am tired of all the fabricated bullshit that makes people do things, myself included, that are not of the truth, the from-the-guts-honest-reaction that should be prevalent, but from the sifted through, made to order, must look good and make everyone happy bull that emanates so freely from reality. I prefer the bones.

Or maybe I am just in need of a cold beer and a New Years hat. Yay 2006!


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