It all started when I lost my Pants

poetry, musing, short stories and generally the inner workings of the brain of a 30-something year old woman who is a little nutty, a little sane, a little loud and just a little shy.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Why do I insist on analyzing everything? What is it about my makeup that means I have to pull everything apart and figure out the inner workings? Why am I so full of questions that may never have an answer? Why is it that I can not seem to just accept things and be glad? Why do I insist on more? Why is it that I can be so helpful with others and so out of touch when it comes to my own agenda? How can it be that I am seen as such a solid person when really, inside, I am a wreck? How is it that I can see all the good points in me, but at the same time, fear that no-one else does? What is it about myself that negates positive outlook? Why is it that I haven't gone out to play in weeks? What is it about being in a relationship that turns off the fun button? Am I really thrilled about where I am? What if I am caught up in feeling and not thinking logically? What if I am thinking logically and not listening to feeling? Can a person attain true bliss? Is keeping busy a sign of avoidance or is it good social structure? Am I reliving the patterns of my past? Is my future determined by the sins of yesterday? Is it possible to rise above all that has gone on? If so, who is to say what is the true path of enlightenment? Does a degree mean that you have the answers to the meaning of life? Did Alder feel good about himself? Is contentment a learned behavior or is it a state of being? Does it really matter what other people think? Do I base decisions on the views of others? Do I base my decisions on a narcissistic sense of self? Do I want status? Do I need to be seen as superior? If so, where did that come from? Am I in need of being in control? Do I have any control? Is my weight just a defense mechanism against intimacy as thrown upon me in the past? Do I need to be isolated to a degree? Will there ever be an end to all the damned questions? Will wonders never cease?

Questions. Why are there always so many of them? Perhaps it is my studies, maybe I am just kinda nutty that way. In any case, there are always questions.


Blogger Todd said...

To answer your questions, in order, to the best of my abilities:

1. Because when you stop analyzing everything, you become dead in a way, simply waiting for the next stimulus, instead of bothering to wonder what that stimulus means.

2. See answer #1.

3. The questions without obvious answers are the only ones worth pursuing.

4. Acceptance is surrender.

5. Because we all think we deserve more. Sometimes we're right. Unfortunately, sometimes we're wrong.

6. It's easier to live someone else's life than it is to live your own.

7. Acting seems to be in your blood.

8. Because you're not confident that those good points are really, *really* there.

9. Sometimes sadness and doubt cloud up the positives. It's easier to focus on the bad, than the good. Here's a little Vonnegut: "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

10. It sounds like you're in an introspective / depressive sort of state. It's difficult to get yourself out of the house when you're in a state like that.

11. I don't think being in a relationship turns off your fun button, automatically. I think you need to either look at the relationship, or other circumstances in your life, to find the core cause.

12. Being constantly thrilled is probably asking for too much. Again, Vonnegut: "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" It's the moments that count, not the whole tapestry.

13. Sometimes feeling is better than thinking. And I'm inclined to think that feeling is *always* truer than feeling.

14. Then you might have your priorities misaligned.

15. Probably not. But I still like to think it's possible.

16. The phrase "keeping busy" is probably a bad sign. I'd put that up with "killing time" for badness. If you actually think that what you're doing is "keeping busy" then you're probably filling your time out of an attempt at avoidance. Of something.

17. More Vonnegut: "We're doomed to repeat the past no matter what. That's what it is to be alive."

18. In a sense, yes, but they're also determined by the virtues of yesterday too. Everything you are right now is a result of everything you were yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. Ad nauseum.

19. Yes.

20. Your heart.

21. Probably not. It just means you spent a lot of time studying one particular subject.

22. I'm of the opinion that anyone who manages to carve out a whole new field of psychology does so because they're essentially fucked up and looking for answers. So the short answer is probably, "No."

23. Contentment, if defined as a state when things are not bad, is a learned behaviour. Contentment, if defined as a state of not-quite-happiness, but still on the road towards it, is not.

24. No.

25. The bigger question is, "Should you base decisions on the views of others?" And the answer is "No."

26. Is narcissism universally bad? If you don't love yourself, who will?

27. More important, why would you want status? A badge to wear doesn't make you a better person.

28. Why would you want to be superior? Why even use words like superior or inferior? Be who you are, and be that to everyone you meet, and we will all be equal in our efforts to be simply who we are.

29. Probably a sense that you were entitled to something. We are, ultimately, entitled to nothing but the ability to breathe and care for others and be cared for in return. Everything else is gravy.

30. Intimacy is, without a doubt, one of the most terrifying things that we experience as human beings. It is also, without a doubt, one of the most magical.

31. I think we all do. Everyone needs space and time to decompress.

32. More important, should there be? The fact that we question, and rage against the answers that we done like, proves that we're alive, and vibrant, and unwilling to just roll over and die. In my opinion, the questions should not end until 90 minutes after we're in the grave.

33. Wonders will never cease. Wonders will live on long beyond you and I.

10:46 pm  
Blogger Todd said...

Oooh, typos. And your comments seem non-editable. Makes me feel all embarassed and stuff.

Please forgive my editorial gaffs. Thankee.

10:48 pm  

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